I realized at this moment similarly as Asians and Puerto Ricans have told me how they cannot go without rice in their meal for they feel as if they have not eaten at all, the same for me when it comes to living without having done my daily studying. Even though there is this separation, this wondering between God and I, at this moment, I have developed such a habit of daily studying it is difficult for me to go a day without it. I imagine some habits developed, some “addictions”, if you will, can be good.
Maybe it is because I have set in place a schedule of reading to finish certain books in the year. It could be no matter the distance I’m feeling between God and myself, I have a yearning to continue learning and growing. Or, as stated previously, it is just a habit, an addiction which has replaced other addictions this one being more positive—or is it? Because if someone’s heart is not involved—and that’s the crux of the problem in this case, because I’m asking God to look at this heart given me and to fix it, to change it, make it more amenable to love, and loving others, which I have not felt my whole life. So this, too, becomes my “fix”, no pun intended, as I continue this addiction which is the only source of battling all other addictions of my life.
“Watch ye, stand fast in the faith, quit you like men, be strong. Let all your things be done with charity, you, brethren, (ye know the house of Stephanas, that it is the firstfruits of Achaia, and that they have addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints…1 Cor 16:13-15 (KJV)
In spite of myself, I cannot help what I do when it comes to sharing the Word. It has been an addiction as well. I can tell you stories of how even when in prison, trying to remain incognito, hidden, yet it would be discovered and I’d find myself sitting in a group of men being their teacher, pastor and counselor.
The Asians will put vegetables in their rice. They will will put fish in their rice and even meat when they’re able to afford it. The Latinos will mix their rice with beans, chicken and sometimes corn. In my bowl there is a mixing, too. Mine comes mixed with my issues, my lack of faith, my fears and weaknesses. I am attempting to spend more time eating the Word and leaving what I’m trying to mix with it on the side of the dish, because although I’ve eaten it for so long, it is not palatable. I have never really enjoyed it but have gotten so used to having eating it for so long, has created an unnatural appetite which needs changing. So, this is why I do it.
March 31, 2016