It has happened before so it is not unusual to me. In fact, it has happened many times before. I don’t know if one can become used to it, but it becomes an expectation, so when it happens you are not as disappointed. You don’t have the sense to stop it. It is like a wall. But you’re able to see it, see through it, experience every moment of it and yet you are powerless to stop it and you don’t know why, well, maybe you do. That’s why it is called “Watching It Slip Away”.
If only that miniscule, less than an atom-sized particle of strength to be able to say, “no” would only occur. It is within reach and I know it, but, I’m not able to do it. Not able to grasp it. The reality then sets in: does it matter? Does it matter at all?
Faith. Relationships. Friendships. Goals. Dreams. Even life, slips away.
I remember I gave up when involved in substance abuse. I accepted I could do no better. I remember swallowing that last pill with the last drop of alcohol. I remember turning the ignition, putting the seat back and breathing the fumes. I remember the blade going across tendons, breaking skin. Now, what will occur which I will remember, this time?
Hypocrisy has never been my strong-suit except for the fact I wear it so well. I do. I have many believers, well, except one. Me. Are lies still lies even if you believe them not to be lies?
I’m slipping away and I’m watching it take place. Where I will eventually slip away, I have no clue. Didn’t have one before and won’t have one now. All I know is this: I’m watching myself slip away—again.
March 27, 2016