I wrote in my devotional how once during a time of binging, in my addiction to substance abuse, how my tears were mixed with the rain, which were an example of God’s tears, begin shed upon me for the pain I was causing Him. It seem all of creation was crying, and of it because of me.
Today while suffering another addiction with the Internet and Facebook, the days of tears has not stopped. I continue to remain the cause of tears to others while inwardly I am crying, too. Mine, this time, does not show so easily and there is no rain for them to mingle. Why? Why must there always be this pain, this sadness? Why must there always be an attachment to something which is not good nor healthy. There is nothing wrong with it in itself, but the ability to not control time spent, chats occurring, feelings being destroyed, too often to the breaking point. Again, it seems, insanity rules and all sensibility is lost due to addiction.
To see someone else’s tears goes not without being touched. But, I am powerless to do anything so I remain appearing to be not caring, callous, and the reason? Because it is taking me away from my addiction. This is my first love and all else must take a second. The stranger who I meet in front of me covered in plastic and electrons is more important than the one who is here. It is no different than the days when that glass vial called a “crackpipe” would call me. How I treasured that cylinder piece of glass, even in it’s cracked state, often burning my lips due to the flame sending the welcomed fumes into my lungs, to destroy me, but it feels so good.
Now, it is another type of glass inflamed by electricity which excites my neurons stimulating the old feeling once gotten by another piece of glass before. However, the only hope I can believe and accept as just as the other had an ending date, so will this one, but I have to wait for it to arrive. I don’t know when but the end of addiction always arrive. It does, I know it because I have history with addictions and can tell you when each arrived—at last.
Will you be there when it does?
March 21, 2016