When I was in the beginning stages of my substance abuse I found it more and more intrusive my wife’s presence. As I think back, at this moment, I’m grateful I hadn’t had any children because then the intrusiveness would have been even greater. Less face it, when you are in the throes of doing wrong, unless they, spouses, are doing the same thing, their presence is unwelcomed. Even now, the cat tried to get some attention, as I’m writing this, so I brushed him away.
Hiding my drug and paraphernalia was difficult enough never mind hiding my usage and the changed look, behavior and personality not so easily accomplished. Back then I lived in a thirteen room house, and even this was not big enough for the privacy, security and comfort to take that next hit of crack cocaine which will have me paranoid of everything, even what I imagined which would take or deprive my next high. That which prevented me, will prevent me, have prevented me from enjoying what was now the major importance of my life needed to be set aside.
No longer would it be feasible to continue smoking in the bathroom, claiming to be suffering from diarrhea which was the reason why I was in there so long, even going so far as making the typical sounds of bathroom usage to cover an otherwise act. No longer would it feasible to wait until she was not in the house, even though my shift was different from hers and I would have at the very least eight hours to enjoy my new vocation because this is what it has become. My hobbies, other previous enjoyments are now forgotten and no longer rank as being a part of my life.
Then the day came when a decision had to be made: it, the addiction, can only be one or the other. I chose the addiction and she came home to an empty house.
How many of us who are stuck in our world of addiction, our new lifestyle of chatting, playing video games and other digital-related activity which our spouses, children and even pets are no longer welcomed in our “confines” of life. We have chosen to confine our lives because our addiction has no room for others UNLESS they are participants, because all others will be seen as a problem, a prohibitive interruption and we can’t have them, not anymore.
And, so, like all other addictions one or two things will happen but the result is the same: one of us got to go!
December 21, 2015