She had heard and experienced enough! I don’t know exactly when it was, but she was finished, with me, long before I know it. She was waiting for the right time and because of my addiction, it would arrive on schedule.
It could have been the multiple times I arrived home later than I said. It could have been the time when I disappeared for three days, returning unbathed, in the torrential rain, smelly, sick, no sleep or food, just drugs, which resulted in losing my job. Or it could have been my incessant internet presence and nothing would get in the way of the multiple chat partners. Interesting, how one can chat with the world and cannot have a conversation with someone sitting across from them, but, she was finished. She was my forth wife. A victim of my addiction(s). Yes, for me they always seem to run in the plural form. I was down on bended knee and offering another type of proposal and, well, it was already over.
Don’t Give Up on Me.
Is a cry an addict knows so well. Oftentimes, we may not know when it will be over, when our recovery will become a reality, but it is coming and we just need a little more patience. A little more being able to assuage the pain we seem to always bring. The isolation, the incommunicable, the, the, the not wanting to be a part of anything other than what our addiction demands us to be—with her, whether it is a stem hanging out of my mouth, or fingers typing characters on a screen which is meant—NOT, for you!
But, “do not give up on me”.
The time is soon to come. I can see it just ahead. It’s right there! Can’t you see it? Just there. Look further. But, she stopped looking in my direction, behind her, and has looked forward for her own life. Her happiness meant being without me.
Oh, she never gave up, though. She always believed I could do it and surely now I proved her right. I just had to do it on my own, and I did. The key, for me, was not giving up on me! Those words, “Don’t give up on me” really needed to be my own voice talking to my own ear, causing my own recovery to blossom and bloom.
She’s gone and with my love and blessings, and another has arrived. Sometimes I feel like saying, “Don’t Give Up on Me”, but I know what I have to do. Experience is a teacher which cannot be denied.
I’m almost there—again!