I just finished walking.  I had no direction, really no purpose, just needed to walk.  I walked in darkness although it was 9’ish or so, in the morning.  It is daytime, a little bit cloudy, but very dark for me.

While I walked I thought of several things.  I wondered if I am in deep depression—again.  I don’t have a substance abuse problem, well, unless you consider my addiction to the Internet and Facebook a substance abuse problem.  It is a substance, though.  They tried to get me on medication being diagnosed as bipolar, manic depressive.  A waste of time.  Funny, how I had no problem taking illegal drugs but would not consider legal.  Still won’t.  In the words of that famous sailorman, Popeye, “I (y)am what I (y)am”.

I remembered praying for God to let me go blind because I tired of seeing all of what I saw which led me into sin.  What I saw while in the midst of sin.  And saw what I enjoyed.  I thought maybe if He would take my sight then I could not see it.  But, how does one stop their brain from vivid memories until there was brain damage?  I’ve been told, too, I have mental illness, an “organic” chemical imbalance.  But, I can still think, or at least I think I can.  I sat with a bottle of alcohol once thinking about dousing my eyes.  The only thing which stopped me was the fear of pain.  I’ve lived so long with “internal” pain, I don’t recognize it when I’m in it, but I won’t do “external” pain.

Besides, how would I type what I type what I feel when I type—relief.

Walking around what I could see is I am better than when I was in addiction.  I don’t worry about anybody stealing my stuff as when I was sleeping on the street.  You learn to sleep during the day because you’re on the hunt at night for the relief drugs bring.  But, I don’t want drugs anymore.  I don’t want any addiction.  I don’t even want to walk around in the darkness anymore.  I just want…



March 28, 2016