I just finished walking. I had no direction, really no purpose, just needed to walk. I walked in darkness although it was 9’ish or so, in the morning. It is daytime, a little bit cloudy, but very dark for me.
While I walked I thought of several things. I wondered if I am in deep depression—again. I don’t have a substance abuse problem, well, unless you consider my addiction to the Internet and Facebook a substance abuse problem. It is a substance, though. They tried to get me on medication being diagnosed as bipolar, manic depressive. A waste of time. Funny, how I had no problem taking illegal drugs but would not consider legal. Still won’t. In the words of that famous sailorman, Popeye, “I (y)am what I (y)am”.
I remembered praying for God to let me go blind because I tired of seeing all of what I saw which led me into sin. What I saw while in the midst of sin. And saw what I enjoyed. I thought maybe if He would take my sight then I could not see it. But, how does one stop their brain from vivid memories until there was brain damage? I’ve been told, too, I have mental illness, an “organic” chemical imbalance. But, I can still think, or at least I think I can. I sat with a bottle of alcohol once thinking about dousing my eyes. The only thing which stopped me was the fear of pain. I’ve lived so long with “internal” pain, I don’t recognize it when I’m in it, but I won’t do “external” pain.
Besides, how would I type what I type what I feel when I type—relief.
Walking around what I could see is I am better than when I was in addiction. I don’t worry about anybody stealing my stuff as when I was sleeping on the street. You learn to sleep during the day because you’re on the hunt at night for the relief drugs bring. But, I don’t want drugs anymore. I don’t want any addiction. I don’t even want to walk around in the darkness anymore. I just want…
March 28, 2016