Every now and then I have them.

I see myself as I could be.  I see myself as a loving father and husband.  I see myself an involved member of a church.  I see myself walking down the street comforting those less fortunate.  I see…as if it were through a keyhole.  I can see through but there is no key, and what I see are glimpses.  Quick and dissipating into the reality of what it is now.  I read today:

“The religion of Christ never degrades the receiver; it never makes him coarse or rough, discourteous or self-important, passionate or hardhearted.” EGW, Testimonies to the Church, Volume 8, Chapter 11.

And come to realize this has never happened to me, or for me, either.  I am all those things but have for so long given an image I am not.  I’ve wanted to be the opposite, but it has been going against my grain of who I am really.  So much so, I am made to feel very uncomfortable when attempting to be nice, caring, courteous, unselfish and softhearted.  So very uncomfortable.  So, when I hear, “Just be yourself…”, okay, I will be, and then this is done I hear, “Are you really a Christian?”, or “Are you really Adventist?”, my usual retort, “Don’t try and determine my Christianity or my faith based upon your standard or how you have been made to feel, right now, because how I have treated you.”  But the truth of the matter is, that is how any of us are known.  Something about “fruit”.  Mine are rotten and have been for many years, it is just now I’ve accepted what’s in my basket.  Want different, at times, but this is what I have now.

For years people have asked me, inquired of me, what “thus saith the Lord?” It is easy for me to give them my “head” but impossible for them to receive my “heart” except for the “glimpses”, but, be careful because I’m not sociable and I do bite.  I’m the junkyard dog which has learned how to wag its tail effusively until you are close enough for me to take a chunk out of your leg.  So when I put up my own sign which says, “Warning – Dog on Premises”, people take offense when they should be thankful.

In my heart of hearts I pray for those glimpses to become reality.  It’s the only thing worth talking about to God when I do talk to Him at all—now.  Everything else is meaningless and worthless. I’m out of the game of make-believe and fooling others into thinking I am what I’m not.


April 1, 2016