(Note: This chapter written March 3, 2010, after the previous evening taken from, “The Hole” during my second case is directly related to the first case occurring in Puerto Rico eight years prior.)
When I was put in, “The Hole” in Puerto Rico, after being arraigned, and not returned to my cell in the unit for those coming into the system, that night God gave me three words:
- Do not masturbate
- Give Me your wife, and
- Go to trial
Out of the three words, only one, the first one was accomplished and as a result areas in my life which were physical problems: masturbation, addiction to crack cocaine and exhibitionism were healed. Those areas no longer would have control over me as they previously had. However, the second two words I struggled with and it was always unclear to me regarding the third word, “Go to trial”, up until today. Now, I understand.
In my case battle in Puerto Rico, I never wanted to subject my wife to any further embarrassment nor involvement with the prosecutor’s office, who had brought her in to be interviewed and learned she could be called to the witness stand to testify against me! Mayra, a wonderful and quiet woman would have suffered greatly and because of what I’d taken her through with my drug abuse, I did not have the nerve to put her in the scrutiny and public reproach which assuredly would have been the result with this, “Americano” or “Gringo” waging a war in the federal court. So, in my regard for her, much like Adam and Eve, I disregarded the direct word given me to give her to Him, would have fortified my determination to honor the third word and go to trial.
When we read of the account of our first parents, it appears Adam easily took the fruit offered by Eve and ate. I disagree now based upon my own experience. God spoke directly to me, as to Adam, and although like Adam, I told my wife early on what God told me to do, I failed in completing my duty and obligation to God, to the which cause, not only would he now suffer the remaining years of his life, along with his progeny; I, too, would share this suffering the remaining years of my life for my failure to honor God’s word.
What is even greater and not considered, I, like Adam, put myself in the place of God, destroying the First Commandment by protecting our wives from God having direct involvement with them. Had Adam not sinned God would have had only to deal with the woman while Adam could have served as her intermediary, as I could have done by praying for my wife. While God would have had to deal directly with her, establishing her faith and relationship, because I, in fact, helped her to break the First Commandment by putting myself ahead of God to her! This is an awesome consideration.
The time between when offered the fruit and Adam eating will only be known at the end of time, but if it were any similarity to my own, it was time enough for a great war to take place. I recount in my first book, “If You Send Me, I Will Go”, Chapter 24, “You Must Have Been Looking for Something” how providentially I was left alone in the holding area preventing any outward distraction, and no one to speak to, no one to appeal. I liken it to the time of, “Jacob’s Trouble” trying to determine if a right relationship with God was mine for the opportunity of receiving peace, now so badly wanted. A semblance of peace did arrive but it was not the peace of God and for me a great disturbance, even to this day. The same for Adam, because he lived so many years longer than I would ever live to see the destruction caused by his decision.
I believe God was away from me in that room because He had already given me the word and I fully understood it, spoke it, and confirmed it with my attorney who during the whole pre-trial experience never came to me with a plea offer from the Government. He, God, could not further provide guidance because it was time for my faith to be exercised! I also believe He could not allow the enemy to be present either. For the enemy to be permitted to further tempt, while He Himself could not intervene would have been too much for any mortal man, except Christ, to undergo. Even Job’s situation, the enemy was given only one condition, “Do not take his life.” I was left alone. I was left alone to battle with, “self”. What is given to us, the, “free will”, was now at question. Would I turn over my, “will” willingly to God? I wanted to, but, the end result, I did not because I had not honored the second word. So, no matter how much justification I could muster to make myself feel better, the end result was the loss of my wife, previously told to me while in my apartment a week prior to my arrest when I attempted to bargain with God, why I could not have Him save me although I asked Him during the battle then. Mayra would be gone, although today we’re friends, but she another man’s wife today, and I labeled a, “sex offender” which has precipitated the case I fight today, eight years later!
I often consider, if I would still be addicted to crack, still exposing myself had I not relinquished my responsibility and walked out of that courtroom a free man. Now, I know it’s a moot question because the time in prison was still the same. These battles were effectively waged and won, so, this is no longer a concern. Whether I would have won the case or not will never be known and to further contemplate on what “woulda, coulda, shoulda” is a waste of time; however, I have been given a second opportunity to right a wrong, perhaps even to lessen the penalty I’ve suffered since failing to do what He asked me to do the first time.
I will not go into the case particulars here, for that’s to follow in the next chapter, but suffice it to say, on this day God has blessed me to know I am on track and the uncertainty of a past experience has been made clear. My good friend, Robert, who visited with me the day before, said, “Your experience will not only strengthen your faith but that of others who know you and who are watching and following this situation.” The Bible asks the question, “When the Savior comes will He find faith in the world?”
I submit to you, dear Reader, it has never been my intention to live my life in a public setting. To think of myself any other than who I am, a man who has struggled greatly and now passing the half century mark in life. A man who is looking forward to receiving a pension and living quietly and simply without ever again to wear the matching bracelets of law enforcement. I also realize there is now a call on my life to do what He has called me to do.
Today, there is no wife to offer a distraction. Oh, sure, I have the possibility of a relationship once I leave, in fact was engaged to be married prior to coming here which ended, but nothing now preventing me from doing the third word now. Also, the first word is still being kept, not at all a problem today as I sit in whatever cell and shown whatever temptation from music videos, magazines or thoughts.
The case has fallen apart because God is waking me up to the realization He offers second chances in those areas of our life He knows is paramount to our existence and salvation. This is my second chance and there is no question today. “I’ll see you in court! I’m going to trial.”