I wondered why the feeling for using again was so strong and have been for quite awhile. Then I looked on the calendar and it all came back to me. It was fifteen years ago (written in 2006) to the day when I lost my job with IBM ending more than seventeen years of service. It was having used that substance one morning after receiving a call from a friend who invited me because she had something to share. In this one moment, my life changed and I know if I succumb—again, my life can change again and just as it was disagreeable then, how much more now?
I’ve come a long way to achieving clean-living. My head is clear and my memory intact. I can remember each step it took to get me to the point where I am now and it just doesn’t seem right to go backwards in a moment of time. For what? What would I gain now I didn’t reach then? Am I willing to begin that long journey—again, to reach where I am already? I can never reach where I was and had I stayed, am I willing to fall further behind?
Anniversaries can be either good or bad. They can evoke good memories or bad ones but the purpose of them is to have landmarks in life where we can measure ourselves and see where we are. Just as driving a car and you’re continuing to see the same milepost, it means you’re not going anywhere, so what’s the purpose of driving? The same here, too. If you’re continuing to see the same landmark, what’s the purpose of life?
In all of our actions, either they will propel us forward or backward.