I’m praying a lot more these days. It’s because I am fearful of falling into the problem of substance abuse. I’ve come to understand nothing gets passed God’s eye and He often brings us close to problems for two reasons: 1. We might know who He is, and 2. We might be rid of something within us which keeps us separate from Him. But, it is so difficult at times dealing with the urges and thoughts about what I have not done for such a long time now. I have mentioned before I’m afraid of going back, back to the same neighborhoods where I have traveled so many times, knowing the pain and suffering I had. Yet, there is the thought of the good feeling the substance brought me even for that split second before the paranoia would hit. Yes, I have these thoughts. And it is these thoughts which keep me on my knees.
I think it would help if I keep the focus on God and see it is Him which is helping me to realize what it took to be where I am today. I tried everything else and it failed, but it was His hand which brought me to this place of sobriety and I know, within myself, it is only His hand which is keeping me from going back to that sorrow. People die, “out there” or they are injured in some way, some even losing their mind, but I am here, still in my right mind, yet there is a part of me which wants to go back, even if for one more time. It’s always that “one more time” which can end in tragic results; so, I guess for now, until this pass over, I’ll just keep to being on my knees. It’s much safer “down there” instead of being, “out there”.
The difference between returning, “out there” and staying in clean-living is taking a moment to bend your knees in prayer.