Today was a difficult day. So in the midst of the struggle, I decided to go to the mall and have lunch. As I ate my sandwich I thought about those years I was not able to do such a simple thing as this, even to be able to go to the mall, on my own. To be surrounded with staff members or others of us in the ministry of recovery, and many not having money, we didn’t do those things, our outside exposure limited, our needs provided for.
Today, I have options. I can go back and return to the life which will prevent me from eating what I want, when I want and as often as I want or I can continue to enjoy a simple trip and sandwich whenever I want. I like having money in my pocket, a job which puts it there and having a purpose every day when I awaken. I like this life I have now compared to the life I lived so why is it I struggle at times? It’s because I’m supposed to. I’ve suffered with an addiction for many years and just because I don’t use for many years doesn’t mean the thoughts won’t come. The difference, this time, is I don’t have to act upon those thoughts. I remember the good as well as the bad, being honest with my own feelings.
It’s not about whether I have legal dealings and my probation officer might stop by. Many of us know during an addictive lifestyle, it’s not really a consideration when we want to use. We’ll figure a way to beat the system or just accept the consequence. It’s not about losing a job. I’ve done that many times before and always bounced back. So, what is it really about? It’s about “freedom”.
I think I’ll have another sandwich!
It is those simple things of life which are most pleasurable. Why do we wish to throw them away?